Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.