he looks great for his age
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
🤣🤣
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?