It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.