Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday