[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.