My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Don’t talk down to me
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off