me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
cat vs inanimate object
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS