My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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mom gave me mine for free
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist