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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me too 😆
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing