If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
not seeing the problem
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.