Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.