Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.