There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
me
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec