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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
me adding lol on a serious message
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then