GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Hmmmmm
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”