No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.