Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I have no passwords left in me
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip