Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r