He a real one for that
You Might Also Like
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.