a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
The three genders.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]