My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.