Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I need this for my side hustle.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.