Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.