Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.