Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
You Might Also Like
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Every time.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas