*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!