“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”