“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
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White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy