Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.