i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My spirit animal is fried chicken