Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.