google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
#merica
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo