A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’m about to risk it all
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.