omg leave her alone
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
live long and prosper!
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”