*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
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There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Cake safety first. Always.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.