you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.