[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.