me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Why am I like this?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Muppet Screams
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.