my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
technically true but not a great slogan
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time