Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I was bored.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip