I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.