[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
You Might Also Like
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Only short people can save us
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.