“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
You Might Also Like
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
this came to me in a vision
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion