When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.