[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I can’t stop watching this.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.