“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.