When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You Might Also Like
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
fair
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*