See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.