When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
You Might Also Like
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.