Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.